How to Negotiate with Kids to Solve Conflicts

Negotiation. It's a word that brings to mind images of hostage situations or big business deals. But negotiation is a skill that has a lot of everyday applications as part of conflict resolution.

When kids understand negotiation as a normal process of getting what they need, struggles decrease while empowering everyone to make their own decisions. Here's how to start helping kids develop stronger negotiation skills:

Embrace Conflict as Commonplace

Conflict gets a bad reputation. Sometimes it's interpreted as a fight or a disagreement or some other negative situation where two or more people can't agree.

But at its core, conflict is just a disruption in the status quo. For example, when your alarm goes off in the morning, there's a conflict between your current state (in bed) and what needs to happen next (start the day).

If you got to stay in bed all day, there wouldn't be a conflict. Here, the negotiation is in the snooze button.

Conflict happens all the time, so conflict resolution is part of our everyday lives. You can start modeling this for kids by talking about moments of conflict.

They can be small like the alarm clock example or bigger like a fight with a friend. But the more you notice conflict, the more kids will see how normal it is.

Find Out What's Really Going On

A common conflict around a lot of households is the morning routine of getting kids ready for an activity, but the conflict here is rarely about putting shoes on.

As tempting as it may be to express anger and frustration toward a child who, say, refuses to put on their shoes, try taking a deep breath and talk through what's going on. Acknowledge feelings and be clear about your boundaries.

Here's an example:

"It's time for us to go. I've asked you to put on your shoes twice and I'm noticing we have a conflict about that. I'm frustrated and you look like you're having fun playing video games. Let's resolve this so we both get what we need."

Give Kids Choices...but Not Too Many

Shouting "Because I said so!" is a popular parenting phrase, but it's one that's almost certain to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it.

Kids are continually testing boundaries to determine their place in the world, so giving them more choices helps establish their ability to be proactive.

However, kids still need a lot of guidance from adults, so free choice can be overwhelming. For example, "What do you want to do?" may not lead to a productive response, but "Do you want to go swimming or play at the park this afternoon?" can resolve conflicts in a powerful way.

You can feel more empowered by giving kids choices that are acceptable to you so that no matter what they choose, you feel satisfied with the outcome. Let's continue our example of getting ready in the morning:

"I can see that you're disappointed that you don't have time to finish your game before we need to leave. It's okay to feel that way. You can bring your shoes to the car and put them on there, or I can help you put them on."

Resolving conflict without punishment can lead to better behavior outcomes while allowing you to stay calm and focused on the task at hand. If you try this method, let us know how it went!