What's Your Problem? How to Help Kids Make Responsible Decisions
As kids' brains develop, they become more aware of their environment and start having opinions about it. And if you've spent any time with elementary school-aged kids, you know that sometimes that awareness sounds a lot like...complaining.
"I don't want to do that."
"I hate it here."
"I never get to do what I want to do."
"No one ever asks me what I want."
It's easy to get caught up in these complaints (and the bad behavior that sometimes goes with it) as grumpiness, disrespect, or just plain meanness, but the truth is that there's a real opportunity here to help kids build important social-emotional skills.
Stay present and listen to your child's experience and feelings in these moments, and then get curious about what the real problem is.
When your child is complaining about something, consider what's really behind their complaint: a conflict between what's happening in their world and what they want.
For example, if you have to cancel an outdoor play date due to bad weather, your child might complain that they never get to do anything fun. It sounds like a frustrating exaggeration, but remember that your child may not have words for what's really going on, which is that they're disappointed or angry.
Identifying the problem can help you avoid a power struggle and helps your child practice making responsible decisions.
Let's take the example of the cancelled play date. Your child feels disappointed and that nothing ever goes their way.
\Explore some options about what's behind that feeling. Is your child missing their friend? Do they feel like they can't control their lives?
Do they feel left out of your decision-making process?
Once you've established the root problem (keeping in mind that "I just feel bad about this" is a valid problem!), brainstorm other ways to get your child's need met.
For example, if your child is lonely and missing their friend but can't meet as planned, they could meet on a video call, play a co-op video game together, or text.
Let your child come up with their own solutions at this stage, even ones that seem inappropriate like showing up at their friend's house in the middle of the night.
Ask your child to imagine what would happen if they made any of these choices, including positive and negative consequences. Then, after your child chooses an action, ask them to reflect on the outcome.
Making responsible decisions starts with self-awareness that includes understanding your own feelings.
Then, look for solutions and think about their impact on yourself, others, and your environment. Reflecting back on the outcomes can help you and your child make even better decisions in the future.
Reflection Questions for Making Responsible Decisions
What's the (real) problem?
What are my options?
What might happen if I choose this solution?
Why do I want to make this choice?
Who is impacted by my decisions?
Will this help me?
What happened after I made my choice?
Was this a strong choice?